©Leslie Plaza Johnson
There's a common belief that family loyalty is automatic, unquestionable, and owed—no matter what. It's the idea that being related by blood means you must put up with harmful behavior, excuse cruelty, and keep people in your life just because they share your DNA.
But let's be honest: not everyone gets lucky in the family lottery. Some people have relatives who thrive on manipulation, guilt-tripping, and emotional exhaustion. And when that happens, the expectation of loyalty isn't just unfair—it's damaging.
The Trap of "Because We're Family"
Toxic relatives often lean on this idea of forced loyalty. They'll remind you of childhood memories, play the victim, or accuse you of being ungrateful. They'll use phrases like "But I'm your mother" or "After everything I've done for you." The subtext? You owe me.
But real relationships—healthy ones—aren't built on obligation. They're built on mutual respect. And if someone consistently drains your energy, disrespects your boundaries, or manipulates your emotions, it doesn't matter how you're related. You don't owe them access to your life.
Compassion Starts with You
Cutting ties or maintaining distance from a toxic relative doesn't mean you lack compassion. In fact, real compassion starts with self-compassion. It means recognizing that you are not required to sacrifice your well-being to keep the peace.
Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do—for both yourself and the toxic person—is set firm boundaries. That might mean limiting conversations, skipping family gatherings, or even going no-contact. Distance doesn't mean you wish them harm; it means you refuse to let them keep harming you.
No One Else Gets to Judge
One of the hardest parts of stepping away from a toxic family member is the judgment from outsiders. People who have never dealt with this dynamic will say, "But she's your mother," or "Family is everything." These comments, though often well-meaning, completely ignore the reality of emotional abuse.
Yes, everyone deserves kindness and respect—including the person on the receiving end of toxic behavior. You are not cruel for protecting yourself. You are not heartless for refusing to engage in dysfunction. You deserve the same kindness that people insist you show to your toxic relative.
Family isn't about blood. It's about love, respect, and emotional safety. And sometimes, the healthiest thing you can do is walk away—so you can create the kind of family you deserve. The kind built not on guilt or fear, but on trust, support, and genuine care. A family you choose. A family where you truly belong, where you are appreciated, respected, and loved.